Star Trek is a great thing. It's a wonderful universe for trekkies like us to develop
and create new ships and stories. The only problem I have with it is that everything
that the writers at Paramount have come up with totally sucks! Following is my explination:
Star Trek: The Next Generation
Picard
Picard redefines the term 'wimp'. He's got the Federation's flagship which is supossedly
really powerful, but almost every time the ship is threatened, he sits on his hands
and tries to talk his way out of it! I mean, it's so pathetic!
Riker
He should be given command of the Enterprise. He would actually make use of its puny
weaponry. Like when Picard was taken by the Borg, and Riker gave to order to fire,
expecting Picard to die, Picard would have just sat on his ass and said, 'Worf, keep
trying to hail them!' One area where Riker really needs to improve is with Deanna. Why
doesn't he just tell her he has the hots for her?
Worf
Worf needs to cut all the family shit and act like the warrior he was raised as. His
parents are assholes, and his kid (though the least annoying by far of the Wesley-Nog-Alexander
prodigy triangle) is a complete wimp! How does Worf ever expect 'Alex' to become a Klingon warrior when he's smaller than Worf's attention span?
Data
Data is probably the best Next Generation character. He actually has a life story
(which is pretty sad, considering he IS an android), and he's got the best scenes.
The contraction thing is bullshit though. Why the hell can't he use contractions,
anyway?
Wesley Crusher
Blech! What a looser! He'd be better off on the Rura Pente penal asteroid that Kirk
and McCoy were sent to in Star Trek VI. He's so spoiled it makes me sick. I'm so
glad he finally left the series. Should have happened sooner though.
Geordi LaForge
Aside from his air-filter eyepiece, LaForge is cool. At least he has a sense of humor,
unlike most of the stuck-up crew. The one thing is, I think he gives up too easily.
Example: In Star Trek Generations, when the core's about to breach, he doesn't even
TRY to eject it! Not that I don't blame him...
Deanna Troi
This woman has a gift for stating the obivous. Say, for example, Picard's talking
with some alien who's so suave and sophisticated he could strip the paint right off
the hull of the Enterprise. What does Deanna say? "Captain, I think he's hiding something!" No shit, lady. Tell us something we don't
already know.
Beverly Crusher
Apart from her dickless son, Doc's not bad. She has a great bedside manner (though
not as stylish as the EMH), and she's not afraid to speak her mind when the occassion
presents itself. But, if I were her, the next time Picard makes a pass at her, I'd
kick him in the balls real
hard. Then I'd stun him and put him in the freezer.
Star Trek: Voyager
Kathryn Janeway
Let's see here... Talks like a man, walks like a man, smells like a woman... Must
be Janeway. One big plus: She's not afraid to give her officers back shit when they
give it to her, especially Paris. And she'll take chances, unlike Peck-hard. But
personally, I think Captain Helium lets her feminine side go to her head sometimes... "You
will address me as ma'am!" she said on the bridge once. And please, ix-nay on the
bun. It looked better on Princess Leia anyway.
Harry Kim
It's not easy being the Captain's pet... or Seven's sex toy. Harry should just stick
it and spend a night with both of them. Then maybe he'll get a promotion.
Seven
Probably the best character on Voyager. She has great tact and conduct, and means
what she says ("It is offensive!" In response to Neelix's coffee. Go figure). Though,
with her body, why the hell is she wasting her time with that prick Ensign Kim? She
should go at least one better... Perhaps the doc would be interested. And I don't think
that her advances on Kim were purely out of "curiosity" as she said... Makes one
wonder what that collective mind is good for, eh?
EMH (The Doctor)
McCoy, Crusher... Who needs 'em when you've got an EMH? He's awesome, and makes for
humorous scenes. Perhaps the best character development since Data... The doc's come
a long way since he spoke his first words ("Please state the nature of the medical
emergency"). When they get home (which they won't while the show's running, because it's
the only original plot aspect Voyager's got), Starfleet should download Voyager's
EMH and distribute it to every ship in the fleet. Bye-bye Bashir!
Tom Paris
The hot-shot who's not. Tom thinks he knows it all, and it's a scream when he makes
a total ass of himself because he doesn't. But that, unfortunately, doesn't happen
often enough. At least he doesn't go around making passes at every female officer
(or male as the case may be), which you would expect from his personality. Remember the
early series' episode when he transformed into that lizard-like creature? He should
have stayed that way.
Neelix
Give me an N! Give me an E! Give me an E-L-I-X! What does it spell? ANNOYING AS HELL!
Blow that little psuedo-feline-humanoid out the airlock! And he can take his tainted
food with him! When he offered to be an outlet for B'lanna's Klingon rage, she should have laid him out on the deck of the mess hall then and there! Just goes to show
you shouldn't pass up a good opportunity...
Kes
I swear, this empathic wannabe had it in for the crew of the Voyager. Remember when
she made Tuvok's blood boil? It should have been "sayoonora, slut!" right then. She's
a complete circus freak with about as much taste in hairstyle as Janeway; no wonder
they got along so well together. And Neelix may have bad taste as far as cooking, but
he has to be able to do better then Kes for a mate!
Tuvok
Tell me, why do Vulcan names always start with an 'S' or 'T'? Never mind. Tuvok is
fine, but he's BOR-RING! They've used him more than once to fill in background space
for scenes. Personally, I think the "Tuvix" character was the best of both worlds:
Tuvok's common sense combined with Neelix's... Oh well, whatever Neelix has that Tuvok
doesn't. A sense of humor. There you go.
B'lanna Torres
Pretty much a Klingon woman with fewer ridges, more curves, and a social aspect to
her personality. But she's not helping her image any by spending time with Prince
Charming-Paris. Break his neck during sex and be done with it. ("But captain, really,
it was an accident! He was just too... fragile!")
Chakotay
If you didn't know better, you'd think he was captain. When Janeway's not around,
he treats his crew like he's the head bull of a harem of females. And sometimes,
even when Janeway is
around, he acts like god. Praise the lord and pass the peanuts.