A story of courage, determination, and utter stupidity...




Kestrel
vs.
Scorpion






By Captain Kristian D. Johnson EHB Stenos NCC-81002 Captain Kris Johnson slipped into his prototype Scorpion class attack fighter. Its trefoil styling and forward-raked wings made it look even more intimidating than the Iruka class fighter which it replaced. As soon as he was seated in the single person cockpit he closed the canopy, and powered up the Scorpion's systems.
"Computer, this is Captain Kris Johnson. Authorize voice print and retina scan."
"Computer ready. Voice print authorized. Beginning retina scan." The scanner made a slow beam across Kris's eyes. "Retina scan positive. Ready to activate main computer on command."
"Activate."
There was the sound of a generator powering up. Suddenly all of the cockpit lights and displays activated. "Good morning Kris. I trust you slept well?" Said the main computer.
"Of course. Good morning yourself. Computer, show all information you have on the Kestrel class starfighter."
"Accessing." Said the computer. "The Kestrel class starfighter was designed and built by Captain Nick Oberly in 2375. They are classified as a light short-range fighter-"
"Thank you. Show me a schematic of the Kestrel."
"On main screen." The largest screen on the control panel showed a wire-frame drawing of a small ship. Various features were marked.
"Computer, tactical analysis of the Kestrel class."
"Armament is consistent with that of a light escort fighter. For its type the Kestrel is well-armed."
"What is your personal opinion, computer?"
"They totally suck and could be easily destroyed by so much as an ATX missile."
"Thank you computer. Lay in a course for the battle area, full impulse."
"Aye captain. E.T.A. is five minutes, thirty-nine seconds."

Meanwhile, aboard the Kestrel, Captain Nick Oberly was preparing for battle with the Scorpion.
"Computer," he said as he sat down in the snug but functional (sort of) cockpit of the Kestrel, "Activate all systems. Command Authorization-"
"PLEASE GIVE COMMAND AUTHORIZATION" Said a mechanical voice.
Nick heaved a sigh. "Authorization Oberly-Omega-Gamma-Daystar!"
"LOADING SYSTEM DRIVERS PLEASE WAIT"
Nick drummed his fingers on the console as he waited. "I knew I should have put in an independent computer system instead of the processor out of my tricorder!" He said to himself.
"DRIVERS LOADED READY FOR COMMAND"
"Are all systems active?"
"AFFIRMATIVE"
"Okey-dokey. Raise shields and power up phaser banks and photon launchers."
"SHIELDS RAISED UNABLE TO ACTIVATE WEAPONS"
"Why the hell not?" Asked Oberly.
"ACTIVATION SEQUENCE NOT PRESENT IN MEMORY"
"God damn it! Three whole kiloquads of memory and you don't even have the weapon activation sequence? Jesus!"
"JESUS...HISTORICAL RELIGIOUS FIGURE RUMORED TO HAVE LIVED AROUND THE TIME OF 1 BC AND 1 AD-"
"YES! Thank you computer! How would you like a nice tall glass of shut the hell up?"
"THAT PATTERN NOT IN REPLICATOR MEMORY PLEASE SUPPLY MOLECULAR STRUCTURE"
"Damn it!" Oberly cursed.

"We are approaching the Kestrel" Said the Scorpion's computer.
"Have we been detected yet?" Asked the captain.
"No, and it does not appear that the Kestrel has any systems online...wait, I'm getting a reading...Captain Oberly has successfully activated...the waste recycler."
"Hmm..." Johnson thought, "Lot of threat there. Bring the forward pulse cannons online and the get ATX launchers ready, though we probably won't need them."
"Weapons systems ready. ATX launchers loaded."
"Excellent. Now we wait...however long it takes Oberly to energize that piece of crap he calls a ship."

"No, first you close the EPS tap, and THEN you activate the phaser power generator!"
"CONFIRMED EPS TAP CLOSED GENERATOR ACTIVATED"
"Now bring the power grid up, but SLOWLY this time!"
"ENERGIZING POWER GRID AT 200 MEGAJOULES PER SECOND"
"No! NO! Too fast! Wait-" Suddenly sparks flew from the console and the cockpit went dark. Oberly held his head in his hands.
"Argh."

"Anything happening over there, computer?"
"The waste recycler has powered down, but that's about all I can tell..."
"Oh, THAT'S great news." Kris said sarcastically. "Hail the Kestrel."
"Yes, Captain." There was a short pause. "Captain Oberly is responding."
The bridge of the Kestrel appeared, with Oberly barely visible. "Hello captain. Have you come to die?" He asked defiantly.
"Me? Heh. I'm surprised your life support hasn't failed yet!"
"It has. But it's working now!"
"Oh well! Say, maybe I'll show you some mercy and help out. Would a flashlight and a screwdriver be of any assistance?"
"Yes. I'd use the flashlight to stick the screwdriver up your ass."
"Ah. So that's how you want to play, eh?"
"Don't start making threats at me! By the time you get here I'll have several torpedoes headed your way!"
"Nick, I'm already here. Didn't you notice?"
"Yeah, right. You will regret the day you challenged the Kestrel!" Oberly disappeared off the screen.
"He's so screwed."

"I'm so screwed."
"PLEASE REPEAT REQUEST"
"Shut up! I wasn't talking to you! Damn it!" Nick slammed his fist on the panel in anger. Suddenly, all the lights in the cockpit came on and the screens activated.
"Now THIS is more like it! Status report!"
Silence.
"STATUS REPORT!"
A female voice. "Oh, sorry. I was doing my nails."
"YOU'RE A COMPUTER! YOU DON'T HAVE NAILS!"
"Maybe I do and maybe I don't, hmm?"
"Just give me a damned status report."
"Fine. The damned warp drive and the damned impulse drives are online, and all of the damned defense and offensive systems are ready."
"How about sensors?"
"What? Oh, those, yeah, I got those. What do you want me to scan?"
"Scan space! Out there! Look for a ship! GOD!"
"I don't see any god out there, what does he look like? Old guy with a beard?"
"No, a ship! A mean ship, the Scorpion!"
"What does it look like?"
"Access your stupid databanks and find out!"
"Oh yeah, okay, hang on." Long pause.
"Well?" Asked an impatient Oberly.
"Hang on, still looking...let's see, it's not under 'G'..."
"'S'! LOOK UNDER 'S'!"
"Jeez, fine! Take a chill pill!" The replicator next to Oberly whirred, and a bottle of Rydalin appeared. Nick ignored it.
"Anything good?"
"Just last week's issue of 'Sexy Klingon'.. Oh, here it is, the Scorpion. The all-mighty and powerful experimental warship-"
"Just give me a tactical analysis, okay?"
"Well, if everything it says here is correct..."
"Yes?" Nick asked impatiently.
"We're screwed."

"Captain" Said the Scorpion's computer.
"Go ahead."
"Oberly appears to have activated the main computer system. His weapons are powering up."
"Finally!" Johnson slammed his fist into the palm of his other hand. "Now for some real action! Activate pilot controls. Ensure that all systems are ready for battle!"
"Pilot control system active. All systems green, captain."
"Now, my friend, you will see the full power of the Scorpion!"
Johnson pushed the flight stick forward and moved closer to the Kestrel. When he was in range he fired a blast from the Scorpion's forward weapons, and pulled away quickly.

"We've taken a direct hit!" Said the computer as the Kestrel rocked violently from the explosion.
"Gee, how long did it take you to figure THAT out?" Oberly asked.
"Point three six seconds. Not bad eh?" Suddenly the Kestrel was hit again.
"Jesus! Lock weapons and return fire!" Yelled the captain.
"My name's Monica. But thanks for the compliment." Replied the computer.
"I DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR NAME-" Oberly was cut off by a third explosion. There was the sound of something powering down.
"THAT'S IT! I'm taking manual control! You hear that, computer?"
Silence.

"Computer, what is their status?"
"The Kestrel's main computer is offline. Their forward phaser array is inoperable, and their shields are down to thirty-nine percent."
"Hail the Kestrel."
"On screen." Oberly appeared on the same monitor as before. The image was distorted.
"Hello Nick. Getting along I trust?" Kris said with a grin.
"Oh, just peachy." Oberly replied.
"It would appear that your computer is offline and you're in a bit of a situation. Wouldn't you agree?"
"NO!" Oberly yelled. He slammed his hand on the panel and jerked it back in pain. Suddenly the rest of the bridge lit up as the computer came back online.
"Ah. So that's how you do it! It's simplistic, but it has its own appeal, I guess!" Johnson taunted Oberly.
"I'd get my hands on that joystick and prepare for some serious battle if I were you! Oberly OUT!"
"Quite the optimist, wouldn't you say?" Kris said to the computer.
"Quite." The computer agreed.

"Computer, are you ready?" Oberly asked.
"I'm just fine, except for this splitting headache."
"Take a Tylenol and power up the weapons system!"
"You know, that's not a bad idea. Hang on a sec" The computer said.
"NO! I'm not waiting any longer! Transfer control to manual!"
"And why should I?"
"BECAUSE THAT'S AN ORDER!" Oberly Yelled, ready to rip the computer out of the ship.
"All right, all right! I hope you still have that bottle of chill pills! And I thought I was hostile!"
"COMPUTER!"
"All RIGHT! You have control! Happy now?"
"Very. Now SHUT UP while I kick the shit out of the Scorpion!" Oberly paused for a moment. "Computer, scan for the Scorpion."
Silence.
"Look, I'm sorry. What do you want me to do?"
"Give me control of the Kestrel." Said the computer coldly.
"Fine. Transfer control back to automatic systems. But keep the propulsion system on manual okay?"
"You got it. Ready to kill something?"
"You know, for being such a pain-in-the-ass sometimes, you're not a bad computer." Oberly smiled. "As for your question, as ready as I'll ever be! Let's GO FOR IT!"

"What's he up to?" Asked Johnson as the Scorpion held position a few meters off from the Kestrel.
"He appears to be scanning for us" Said the computer.
"Which sensors is he using?"
"Short-range, standard tactical, and-" There was a pause. "Some type of RF system."
"Radio-frequency?"
"Yes. It would appear to be a type of scanning device used on old Earth vessels, known as radar."
"HA! He'll never find us with that!" Johnson pulled the Scorpion up and fired at the Kestrel.

"Lock weapons and FIRE!" Oberly yelled as the Kestrel took the hit.
"There's nothing to lock on TO!" The computer said frantically.
"The next time he fires, trace the weapon vector path back to the origin and lock onto that!"
"But he'll be gone by then!"
"Then DO IT FAST!"
"Aye captain!"

"Their shields are down" Reported the computer.
"Wonderful. Raise the cannons' power to ten percent. I'm going in for the kill."
"Cannons at ten percent. Good luck captain."
"Thanks computer. Like I'll need it." Kris said, and targeted the Kestrel again.

"AHHHHHH!" Oberly yelled as the weapon blast slammed into the cockpit canopy, shattering it like a spider web. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME OUR SHIELDS WERE DOWN?"
"Because you didn't ask!" The computer replied matter-of-factly.
"Well, it's just a good thing this is safety glass!" Oberly said as he ran his hand over the inside of the canopy. His hand caught the edge of a sharp piece of glass jutting out, and Oberly pulled it away and to his mouth.
"Wow. And how many years did you fail at the Academy?" Asked the computer.
"Shut up." Oberly said.

"That was weird!" Johnson said, looking at a computer replay of the moment the weapon hit the Kestrel's canopy
"Yes, it was. Their optical visibility has been reduced drastically." The computer said.
"Good. Now we can execute plan 'A'."
"Plan 'A'?" Asked the computer.
"Yes. Can you create a sensor 'echo' of the Scorpion using the deflector arrays?"
"Yes, I can."
"Good. Do that and let Oberly think he destroyed the real Scorpion."
"Yes captain. Engaging plan 'A' right now."

"I have them! I have them!" The computer shrieked.
"Good! Target their hull and open fire!" Oberly said. All of the Kestrel's weapons fired on the 'ghost' ship, and it was destroyed.
"They have been destroyed! But..."
"What now?"
"There's no debris!"
"So what? The less, the better!" Oberly said. He leaned back and cracked his knuckles. "Tsk-tsk captain. I figured you'd do better than that."
Suddenly an electronic siren sounded. "I'm reading a Romulan Scout vessel approaching at high warp!"
Oberly's hands flew across the control panel. "Shit shit shit! Get us out of here! NOW!"
"Aye captain!" The computer said with fear present in its voice. The Kestrel veered away and disappeared in a flash of incandescent light.

"Where are they off to so fast?" Wondered Johnson.
"I made it look as though a Romulan Scout was approaching. I wanted to see what would happen." The computer said.
The captain laughed out loud. "What a worm. He should paint a yellow stripe along the bottom of his ship. Well, we're done cleaning here. What do you say, computer?"
"I say we head for Klingon space. I'm eager to rip some Attack cruisers in half."
"All right, then Klingon space it is. Lay in a course, full impulse. Engage!"